that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?
in a weird place..
Lately I find myself in a weird place.. I am past the anger and the absolute worst kind of sadness I could have ever imagined..(mostly) and I am numb again.. I dread the holidays, but not to the point of overwhelming anxiety.. I can't say I am to acceptance, but I am coping I guess.. I think about her 24/7 and still have my moments.. and I just don't get it.. I am going to confess that I am a twilight junkie.. love it..read all 4 books several times.. and watched the new movie 2 times in as many days..anyhow, I say that to say this.. there is a part when Bella is talking about Edward being gone and she talks about appreciating the pain, because it reminds her that he was real.. when she said that, I thought.. that is how I feel exactly.. I appreciate the fact that I miss her so much, and occasionally its too much.. she was here, she had an impact on me, and her daddy and brother, and so many more people.. My fear is that she will be forgotten...by others, by family, by everyone.. do they feel pain when they think about her too? have they forgotten her laugh? her smile? her griping? I can't imagine Jay and I ever losing those memories, but what about everyone else? Do you? Do you think about her? Do you miss her? Her name is being spoken less and less..it kills me.. I don't want to be that crazy girl who talks about her dead baby all of the time, but I don't want to be that girl who is scared to say her childs name either..Please don't offer "maybe you need to talk to someone advice" I am aware.. thank you.. anyone else..please feel free to chime in.. other moms, dads, anyone..in real life or blog world.. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.. if you knew her, do you think about her? if not, and you've lost your child, do you think about this stuff? how do you cope?
that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?
that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?
friends..
I am so thankful for the few remaining friends that I have..
Erin~who has been there with me 100% on this journey..she is my best friend, and my confidant.. she is my crying partner, and the best girl I could ever ask for. We skipped school together in high school, worked at the same daycare and wreaked havoc on our co-workers and is just more than I could ask for. She was there when Ella was born and there when Ella passed..during the night before Ella passed she had stayed with me at the hospital so Jay could come get the things we needed and bring Cayden back up the next morning.. she took care of Cayden after he got there, she took him for a walk outside and just loved on him until we could collect ourselves..She also let him stay with them while we were inpatient the several times before.. Cayden loves her, tony and Elizabeth as they were blood, and so do Jay and I..we are so thankful for Erin and Elizabeth and so thankful Tony now completes their family and make them so happy..its an answered prayer..
Amanda My childhood and still best friend! We started hanging out when we were about 12, she has been a constant in my life..she is the friend to look me in the face and tell me "you are wrong" she is so honest with me. I remember when we were early teens and went out to mexican and I ordered a burger and fries.. she tried to talk me into a burrito or just to try something different, and I refused..she made fun of me for this for years after.. and now mexican is my favorite!!(ironic) we laughed our teenage years away while talking to boys down the street..We got lost in Tulsa after she first got her drivers license..went to church together, and have been through so much.. she moved to California after her mom passed about 7 years ago.. we've been through the loss of a very good friend in high school, her mom (whom I loved so much and was my 2nd mom for as long as I could remember) shortly after high school and the loss of Ella.. She called me about a week before Ella passed and I remember just crying with her on the other side of the phone "she's not well, she is tired..I don't think we'll have her much longer" and though she was in california, I could feel her with me.. we have had our ups and downs, but she is my constant..she is my sister.
my cousin Amanda she is my cousin/sister, boogie nights watching(thanks to Reuben) , dr. Pepper searching, laughing til we cry and sleeping all day cousin/sister..her mom and my mom became best friend in jr high.. her mom then married her dad. (my uncle) She was an only child and all of my best childhood memories include her. We were not just cousins, but best friends all of her life.. I am so incredibly protective of her and miss her so much when we arent together.. We lived in California for a little while when I was in 3rd grade and I remember crying and telling my mom that I would die without Amanda..yes..die.. I was a little dramatic.. our reunion was a reunion of the ages..:) She has been all over the map with her schooling and I am so proud of her. Cayden has always loved her and clicked like a piece of a puzzle with her.. she doesn't even mind his constant chattering. Ella loved her, but was confused by her.. I don't know if she saw a resemblance in us or what, but she always stared at her with a puzzled look. I am so thankful for Amanda and her mom, Becky (whom I have discussed in passing before) I am thankful for the fun, laughs and everything else amanda brings to the table..
I have some more I may come in and add to here in just a bit, but I better get back to work for now.. so Keyla, Mandi and my SIL Jessica.. I am thankful for you ladies too.. for the love and support, and being there for me this past year.. hugs to you all!
Friendship Quotes
Erin~who has been there with me 100% on this journey..she is my best friend, and my confidant.. she is my crying partner, and the best girl I could ever ask for. We skipped school together in high school, worked at the same daycare and wreaked havoc on our co-workers and is just more than I could ask for. She was there when Ella was born and there when Ella passed..during the night before Ella passed she had stayed with me at the hospital so Jay could come get the things we needed and bring Cayden back up the next morning.. she took care of Cayden after he got there, she took him for a walk outside and just loved on him until we could collect ourselves..She also let him stay with them while we were inpatient the several times before.. Cayden loves her, tony and Elizabeth as they were blood, and so do Jay and I..we are so thankful for Erin and Elizabeth and so thankful Tony now completes their family and make them so happy..its an answered prayer..
Amanda My childhood and still best friend! We started hanging out when we were about 12, she has been a constant in my life..she is the friend to look me in the face and tell me "you are wrong" she is so honest with me. I remember when we were early teens and went out to mexican and I ordered a burger and fries.. she tried to talk me into a burrito or just to try something different, and I refused..she made fun of me for this for years after.. and now mexican is my favorite!!(ironic) we laughed our teenage years away while talking to boys down the street..We got lost in Tulsa after she first got her drivers license..went to church together, and have been through so much.. she moved to California after her mom passed about 7 years ago.. we've been through the loss of a very good friend in high school, her mom (whom I loved so much and was my 2nd mom for as long as I could remember) shortly after high school and the loss of Ella.. She called me about a week before Ella passed and I remember just crying with her on the other side of the phone "she's not well, she is tired..I don't think we'll have her much longer" and though she was in california, I could feel her with me.. we have had our ups and downs, but she is my constant..she is my sister.
my cousin Amanda she is my cousin/sister, boogie nights watching(thanks to Reuben) , dr. Pepper searching, laughing til we cry and sleeping all day cousin/sister..her mom and my mom became best friend in jr high.. her mom then married her dad. (my uncle) She was an only child and all of my best childhood memories include her. We were not just cousins, but best friends all of her life.. I am so incredibly protective of her and miss her so much when we arent together.. We lived in California for a little while when I was in 3rd grade and I remember crying and telling my mom that I would die without Amanda..yes..die.. I was a little dramatic.. our reunion was a reunion of the ages..:) She has been all over the map with her schooling and I am so proud of her. Cayden has always loved her and clicked like a piece of a puzzle with her.. she doesn't even mind his constant chattering. Ella loved her, but was confused by her.. I don't know if she saw a resemblance in us or what, but she always stared at her with a puzzled look. I am so thankful for Amanda and her mom, Becky (whom I have discussed in passing before) I am thankful for the fun, laughs and everything else amanda brings to the table..
I have some more I may come in and add to here in just a bit, but I better get back to work for now.. so Keyla, Mandi and my SIL Jessica.. I am thankful for you ladies too.. for the love and support, and being there for me this past year.. hugs to you all!
Friendship Quotes
six months...
six months of missing you..
six months of thinking of you every moment..
six months since I've heard your sweet voice..
six months since I touched your soft face..
six months since I kissed you..
six months since I held you hand..
six months since I played with your beautiful hair..
six months since you flew away..
six months since we left the hospital without you..
six months of feeling completely broken..
six months seems like an eternity and six months seems like just a moment..all at once..
either way I think of it, six months is too long without you...
six months of thinking of you every moment..
six months since I've heard your sweet voice..
six months since I touched your soft face..
six months since I kissed you..
six months since I held you hand..
six months since I played with your beautiful hair..
six months since you flew away..
six months since we left the hospital without you..
six months of feeling completely broken..
six months seems like an eternity and six months seems like just a moment..all at once..
either way I think of it, six months is too long without you...
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